


What are the chances?

by M_EXO



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, EXO - Freeform, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Songfic, Soulmates, Swearing, kinda??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-10-03 02:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17275688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_EXO/pseuds/M_EXO
Summary: It’s a new start for Chanyeol, a new UNI and new friends. But who is the boy that keeps showing up everywhere, and why does Chanyeol suddenly feel like he is drowning?





	1. Part one

**Author's Note:**

> So, I honestly have no idea what this is? I heard the song while I was showering actually and couldn’t get it out of my head ([I'm talking about this song btw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5kM5wAwRug) ) and two hours later I had the whole storyline written out. Three days later and here we are with something I’ve never tried before. I don’t even know if this makes sense outside of my head? But here we go, I hope you guys’ll like it Xx
> 
> P.s I have ideas for a second chapter, but I have no idea when I’ll get the time to actually write it soo.. sorry?
> 
> ~ M

                                                          

The first time Chanyeol saw him, it was during the first week of his first year at his new university. Chanyeol was sitting outside of the school building under one of the many planted trees, waiting for the bus that would take him home.

It had been a hectic first week and he was tired, but also excited. His first year had been at a university his parents had picked for him. A prestigious place for upcoming businessmen and women and Chanyeol had hated every minute of it. He had never quite fit in with all the suit-wearing students with his own oversized hoodies and ripped jeans. Finally, he’d had enough and had instead applied at Seoul’s leading university for performing arts. And against all odds, he had been accepted.

He now looked forward to three years of studying what he really loved – music. Even if his parents didn’t think it would get him anywhere in life, Chanyeol didn’t care. He just wanted to be happy, and he had a feeling this was where he had to be.

His earphones hung loosely around his neck, the melody of Bohemian Rhapsody just loud enough to be heard over the hustle and bustle of the busy campus life. He was supposed to be going over some notes from his first classes, but the sun was warm on his face and the notes laid ignored in his lap.

That was when _he_ walked by. He was surrounded by a couple of friends but once Chanyeol’s eyes landed on him, it was like everything else was blurred out. Time slowed down. All Chanyeol could do was stare. The boy was quite short, a petite figure and had soft honey-blonde hair falling down over the most beautiful droopy eyes Chanyeol had ever seen, the deep brown shining like gemstones in the sunlight.

One of his friends must have said something funny as his face split into a smile so bright Chanyeol lost his breath. His heart was beating loudly in his ears, the sounds around him muffled like he was underwater. He felt a tug inside but he didn’t understand.

Then their eyes met and for a second Chanyeol felt something a lot like recognition spark in him. The boy’s eyes widened slightly and his step faltered like he, too, was feeling it, but then he was swept along by his friends. And just like that, he was gone.

It was like coming up for breath after having been underwater for too long and Chanyeol realized he was suddenly standing a couple of steps away from the tree he had been sitting under, his notes now scattered all over the ground. He hadn’t even noticed he had stood op. He wanted to run, to chase after the boy with the beautiful smile, figure out why he suddenly felt like this, but he quickly shook it off.

He felt off for the rest of the day. Distracted, like there was something he was supposed to remember but had forgotten. A constant nagging in the back of his mind.

That night he fell asleep, listening to his roommate Jongdae’s snores, dreaming of brown eyes and square smiles.

✦

The first months passed by quickly and though he tried, Chanyeol never quite forgot about that boy. It was like every time he was about to fade from Chanyeol’s mind, he saw him only to turn around and find nothing. It felt like a game of cat and mouse with someone Chanyeol didn’t even know, and for a while he even thought it was someone playing a prank on him.

As days passed it became somewhat normal though. It became easier to shake off the weird tugging in his chest and Chanyeol turned all of his focus to his studies.

He loved every part of it – even the early morning classes where he and Jongdae had to drag their asses to the nearest café for their daily dose of black coffee before they were even remotely able to study note sheets. It was hard, but he loved it and he, as it turned out, was really good at it. He excelled in all of his classes and it was not uncommon for a teacher to praise his work. It worked magic on his self-esteem.

His roommate Jongdae was a small boy with a bright smile and a loud voice. The two of them became fast friends, bonding over their love for music and they spent many hours writing music together in the late hours of the day, just throwing out ideas while Chanyeol was absentmindedly strumming on his guitar.

Jongdae was outgoing and hilarious and he knew practically everyone on campus, and he eventually introduced Chanyeol to Yixing, who was the student administrator of the university’s radio station. Yixing was tall and lanky like Chanyeol, a little weird but kind and very passionate about his job. Jongdae had mentioned to the older boy that Chanyeol was looking for a job, and after a quick tour of the place, Yixing welcomed Chanyeol to the team.

There Chanyeol met Junmyeon, one of the daytime hosts that he would be working with, Chanyeol being in charge of the playlists. Junmyeon seemed quite dull at first, always dressed like the business students Chanyeol used to hang around, but once he opened up, Chanyeol learned he was a fountain of endless kindness and dad-jokes. And after many times of Chanyeol accidentally interrupting him while live on air and the following banter, Chanyeol was promoted to co-host.

Two friends became four and their dorm room could barely hold them all whenever they had their weekly hangouts where they ate and drank too much, listened to music well into the night and tried and failed to study what they were actually supposed to.

Chanyeol was thriving and soon any thoughts and dreams of brown eyes and square smiles had long been forgotten. He learned to live with the tugging in his chest and the feeling of longing for something he couldn’t place. 

✦

Chanyeol was on his way home from work, a spring in his step and a happy melody on his mind. He had never really known what he actually wanted career-wise, only that it would be something with music, but after getting the job at the radio station, he could see himself doing that even after graduating. His parents would not be happy about him choosing a career as a radio host, but he didn’t care.

He was so distracted by his thoughts that he wasn’t watching where he was going until he suddenly bumped into someone. Stumbling back a little, he looked down, ready to apologize and – he froze.

   “Oh I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going,” a melodic voice laughed, square smile near blinding as he smiled apologetically up at Chanyeol.

The boy didn’t seem to feel it, but Chanyeol was underwater again, having a hard time remembering how to breathe. He could only stare, feeling like a total idiot as the boy’s smile dimmed a little, brows furrowing in confusion.  

   “Are you okay?”

   “I – uhm, y-yeah,” Chanyeol managed to stutter out, his voice sounding slightly slurred.

There was another voice calling out from behind Chanyeol and the boy’s eyes left Chanyeol’s face to look over his shoulder. He waved to the person behind Chanyeol and yelled out a ‘coming’ before smiling back up at the taller boy.

   “Again, I’m really sorry,” he said, bowing lightly and just like that he was gone again. Vanishing like he had never existed in the first place.

Chanyeol took a minute to come back to his senses, feeling both confused and lost. Why was this boy affecting him so much? He didn’t understand why it felt like he couldn’t breathe when the boy smiled at him, why the sound of his voice had sent sparks throughout his body.

That night he once again dreamt of brown eyes and square smiles, a nameless melody playing softly at the back of his mind.

✦

_What if I never run into you?_

_What if you never smiled at me?_

✦

Chanyeol thought he was going crazy. After running into the boy for the second time, he was suddenly everywhere Chanyeol went. At the café in the morning, sitting in the corner by himself, half-asleep while waiting for his coffee, Chanyeol thinking he was hallucinating. At the library, sitting just so he was always in Chanyeol’s line of sight whenever Chanyeol was trying to actually get some studying done. At the grocery store, humming to himself while picking out vegetables meaning Chanyeol had to go without anything healthy for his dinner that night.

The boy never noticed Chanyeol, completely oblivious as to how the taller’s heart would fight to escape his ribcage every time he saw him. Chanyeol didn’t know why he was even avoiding the boy, it wasn’t like he was stalking him, they just happened to show up at the same places. All the time. It was a small community so it was probably normal. But for some reason, he just couldn’t face the boy. 

Chanyeol fought to try and have a somewhat normal everyday life and did his best to ignore the honey-blonde boy whenever he went out, turning all of his attention to Jongdae who was usually with him.

✦

It was during one of their many late-night jamming sessions that Jongdae brought up the name Baekhyun for the first time. It was someone he had met in the drama classes he was taking on the side with the drama students of the university. He talked about how funny Baekhyun was, how talented he was and mentioned that he thought him and Chanyeol would get along great.

Over the next couple of weeks, it became normal to hear Baekhyun’s name brought up, Jongdae having a seemingly endless amount of stories to tell about the boy. Everyone was too busy to find a time to meet up though, so it was quite a while before they got to meet.

It was Junmyeon who eventually suggested all getting together for a night out and that they should invite whoever friends they wanted. The more the merrier, he’d said. Chanyeol suspected was just tired of looking at the three of them all the time.

But a night out it was and by some miracle they managed to find a night where they were all free. Yixing invited a couple of guys from his dance classes; Jongin, Sehun and Minseok, while Jongdae invited Baekhyun and another friend from drama, Kyungsoo. Chanyeol and Junmyeon hadn’t really made any close friends other than Jongdae and Yixing, so they went alone.

They all met up at the local bar that was the favourite hangout for many students. Yixing introduced them to his three friends and Chanyeol liked them all immediately.

Sehun was almost as tall and Chanyeol, bony and had a smug look on his face all the time, but Chanyeol quickly learned that he was really just quite shy. Jongin at first looked a bit intimidating with his height and broad jaw, but then he opened his mouth and laughed and Chanyeol knew they’d get along great. Minseok was quite small and compact and he didn’t really say much at first, but there was a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Jongdae let them know that Baekhyun and Kyungsoo were running a little late so they all found a table and ordered the first round. It wasn’t quiet for a moment as the seven boys got to know each other.

Chanyeol was trying hard not to spit out his beer at something Sehun had said, bent over the table as he laughed when _he_ walked in. The beer got caught in his throat, sending him into a coughing fit that had Jongin hitting him hard on the back.

Through his watering eyes, Chanyeol saw how the honey-blonde boy was frowning concerned as he looked straight at a dying Chanyeol and – he was coming closer?

His breathing was returning to normal, Jongin still gently rubbing his back, as the boy came to a full stop beside their table. Chanyeol was vaguely aware of Jongdae greeting him happily before introducing him as Baekhyun and the boy beside him, that Chanyeol had only now noticed, as Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol was so busy staring dumbly at Baekhyun that it wasn’t until the boy had bent down slightly, smiling directly at him that he noticed he had been spoken to.

   “W-what?” he got out, voice hoarse from nearly coughing up a lung.

   “Would you mind making some room for me?” Baekhyun asked, smiling almost knowingly as Chanyeol quickly scrambled to make room for the smaller boy on the bench beside him. With Kyungsoo squeezing in on the other end, there wasn’t much room left and Chanyeol was sitting nearly glued to both Jongin and Baekhyun. His body felt stiff and awkward and he suddenly couldn’t figure out how to move his arms without feeling like a puppet on a string.

   “So you’re the famous Chanyeol I’ve heard so much about,” Baekhyun said, smiling brightly up at Chanyeol who felt his heart lodge itself in his throat. “I don’t know if you heard it during your little crisis, but I’m Baekhyun. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

He held out his hand and by some miracle Chanyeol was able to shake it like a normal person, stuttering out an awkward greeting. He felt exposed as Baekhyun let his eyes wander over his face for a few terrifying seconds. Baekhyun’s eyes narrowed slightly in contemplation and he cocked his head to the side.

   “This is going to sound like a bad pickup line, but I swear it isn’t’,” he said, eyes twinkling mischievously. “Have we met? I could have sworn I’ve seen that red hair before.”

Self-conscious, Chanyeol nervously ran a hand through said red hair. He had first dyed it to annoy his parents but had ended up liking it. He hadn’t thought about how it would make him stand out. Not really knowing what to say, he shrugged and mumbled something that sounded like ‘I don’t know, maybe’. He couldn’t exactly say that he had seen him quite a few times the past few weeks, and no, he wasn’t stalking him. Everything about the situation was just weird and he didn’t want to scare Baekhyun off.

For a second, Baekhyun’s eyes narrowed even more and Chanyeol felt his hands get clammy at the thought of the other boy remembering him. But then he smiled and shrugged as well, turning his attention away, finally letting Chanyeol breathe.

As the night went on, Chanyeol found himself relaxing more in his seat. The now nine boys clicked like they had known each other forever and their table got several angry glares from the other tables around them for being too loud.

Kyungsoo was, like Minseok, not very talkative, and at first Chanyeol had found his stare unnerving, but once the boy finally opened his mouth, Chanyeol realized he was actually really funny when he wanted to be.

He tried so hard to socialize and get to know everyone, genuinely liking the new additions to their group, but he kept getting distracted by Baekhyun. The shorter boy was nothing short of delightful. He was hilarious, smart and so sweet. He also had zero sense of personal space and had no problems with hanging all over Chanyeol, hands on Chanyeol’s thighs to support himself as he leaned over him to speak to Jongin.    

As he threw his head back to laugh at something Jongdae had said, the light hit his face perfectly, his eyes shining like the first time Chanyeol had seen him, his hair lighting up like a halo around his face. The words died on Chanyeol’s tongue and all he could do was stare until Jongdae kicked his leg under the table, sending him a knowing smile. Chanyeol blushed and quickly looked away, clearing his throat awkwardly.   

It felt like his body was burning, his hands twitching to reach over and touch Baekhyun. Sitting next to the honey-blonde was torture but also the best thing that had ever happened to him.

The night was over too soon and that night Chanyeol once again fell asleep with the same nameless melody in his head, the feeling of Baekhyun’s arms around him and the smell of his perfume as he had hugged him goodbye.

✦

_What’s someone like you doing in a place like this?_

_In a crowded room, what are the odds?_

✦

Hangouts like that night became a fixed activity in their calendars. As they were all busy, it was usually a mixed bunch of those who had the time that day, but the nine boys continued growing closer. Chanyeol became close friends with them all to the point where he and Minseok starting regularly working out together. Sehun was a riot to play video games with, and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol often met up for lunch, both of the boys enjoying trying new places and new food.

Baekhyun seemed determined to befriend Chanyeol, though Chanyeol couldn’t for the life of him figure out why when he had been nothing but awkward. At first Baekhyun had started tagging along with Sehun to play video games, something the boy was surprisingly good at. Then he would occasionally join him and Kyungsoo for lunch, or insist on tagging along when Jongdae wanted to go to a karaoke bar.

Chanyeol did manage to get more comfortable around Baekhyun, no longer feeling like he was drowning whenever he was near him, and once he started opening up more, getting through his awkwardness, it turned out they had a lot in common. They liked a lot of the same music and movies and could easily get lost in a heated conversation, their friends not able to keep up with them.

He was clingier whenever they went out, usually always claiming the spot next to Chanyeol. One time they all went out to a club instead and after getting a couple of drinks, Baekhyun had dragged him to the dance floor where he forced Chanyeol to dance with him. They spun around in circles like children, holding hands, Baekhyun laughing loudly while Chanyeol felt like he was freefalling.

It got to the point where Jongdae and Sehun started teasing Chanyeol about his crush on Baekhyun and Chanyeol could only laugh awkwardly, denying it weakly. Because the thing was, Chanyeol had no idea what he felt. The tugging in his chest from when he had first seen Baekhyun was now constant and he had even thought of seeing a doctor about it. He still felt breathless around Baekhyun, overwhelmed and out of control. But was that a normal crush? Chanyeol didn’t know. It was like he constantly wanted to be around Baekhyun, but once he was there it was so overwhelming that he wanted to run.

He couldn’t exactly tell them that though, they would think he was crazy. Or in love. He was neither. At least he was pretty sure.

What he couldn’t tell them either, was that he was still seeing Baekhyun everywhere. It was almost absurd as it had gotten to the point where it was nearly every day. Sometimes even multiple times a day.

And now, sometimes Baekhyun would notice him too. He would smile widely when spotting Chanyeol’s recognizable red hair, sometimes coming over to chat, but more often than not being in a hurry and just acknowledging him with a quick smile and a wave.

Every night, Chanyeol would dream of Baekhyun, sometimes just quick fleeting dreams of Baekhyun’s smile but other times having vivid dreams of the two of them laughing together, the two of them dancing together, the two of them holding hands. It was never ending. And in every dream that same damn melody would play on repeat. He had tried looking it up, but whenever he tried to remember it, it would move further away from his memory. It was like trying to grab a handful of smoke; always there but intangible.

And while Chanyeol tried to figure out why Baekhyun was everywhere, the year came and went.

✦

Chanyeol and Jongdae traded their shoebox-sized dorm room for an apartment where they had their own rooms, Minseok moving in with them as well as him and Jongdae had started dating.

The new apartment wasn’t that big and Chanyeol quickly learned that the walls were thin, but he found refuge by putting on his headphones and spending hours by his keyboard, composing small bits of the songs he and Jongdae had worked on. And slowly, his room turned into more of a studio than an actual bedroom.

He still saw Baekhyun everywhere, but something had changed. It started out small; Chanyeol would spot Baekhyun and they would lock eyes, Chanyeol giving the usual smile and wave but now, instead of waving back, Baekhyun would frown slightly, grimace a smile and hurry away. His loud greetings and warm smiles were slowly replaced by uneasy frowns and sometimes even glares.

Baekhyun stopped tagging along to play games, said no to karaoke nights and Chanyeol was dumbfounded. The only time he saw Baekhyun now, was when all nine of them would meet up and every time, he would make sure to sit the furthest away from Chanyeol. The other boys had noticed and threw questioning glances at the two boys, but Baekhyun pretended like nothing was wrong, so Chanyeol did the same though his heart was hurting.

The tugging in his chest got worse, his dreams more intense.

✦

Chanyeol finally found out what it was all about when Jongdae knocked on his door one evening before letting himself in. He stood in the doorway for a couple of seconds, looking weirdly troubled and unable to look Chanyeol in the eye. He cleared his throat awkwardly before speaking up.

   “Chanyeol… Baekhyun told you’ve been stalking him?”

Ice cold water washed over Chanyeol, his breath caught in his throat and he felt like throwing up. “No! I swear I haven’t! I mean, not on purpose, he’s just – he’s always there!”

He should have seen this coming, _had_ seen this coming. He had somehow come to terms with the fact that they would just show up at the same places all the time, it wasn’t like he could change it. But… he could see how it must have looked to Baekhyun. He had just hoped that maybe the other boy knew him well enough to know it wasn’t like that. He was obviously wrong.

   “He’s… just there?” Jongdae asked and Chanyeol wanted to cry at the mistrust in his friend’s eyes.

   “Yes! Jongdae I swear to you, I’m not doing this on purpose. Please, tell him that. I – it’s not my fault! I just show up wherever he is, I can’t help it!” Treacherous tears threatened to fall but Chanyeol would not let Jongdae see him cry. He felt powerless. How could he explain so he understood?

   “Well…” Jongdae said, looking torn. “Maybe… try not to?”

Chanyeol scoffed, frustratingly wiping his eyes with his sleeve. That was easy enough for Jongdae to say.

Jongdae lingered a moment longer before leaving Chanyeol alone with his broken heart and self-pity. Not wanting to deal with the pain he felt, Chanyeol put on his headphones again and turned up the volume so high it was impossible to even hear his own thoughts. He drowned his self-pity in music.

✦

Avoiding Baekhyun, it turned out, was easier said than done. Chanyeol had no idea how or why they always showed up at the same places, so how was he supposed to stop it? But he tried. So hard. He hadn’t even realized just how much they actually saw each other until he had to try and hide from Baekhyun.

Baekhyun was literally everywhere and Chanyeol was slowly growing insane. If he went to buy groceries, Baekhyun was there, when he was walking from one class to another, Baekhyun was there. He couldn’t even go for a damn run in the park without Baekhyun showing up.

And no matter how hard he tried to duck out of the way and quickly leave, Baekhyun still spotted him. Even after Chanyeol, in a desperate attempt to blend in had dyed his hair black, Baekhyun would still see him.

Chanyeol didn’t know what to do.

Baekhyun eventually completely stopped coming to their hangouts when he knew Chanyeol was there. Instead, Kyungsoo would sit and glare at Chanyeol all night, the others stealing glances at him, treating him like they were afraid he was actually some weird stalker. They tried to hide it behind fake smiles and laughter but Chanyeol saw the concerned looks they sent him whenever they thought he wasn’t looking.

The stares became too much. Chanyeol wanted to scream, wanted to desperately try and explain himself, but he didn’t know how. Not even Jongdae had believed him, so why would they? He was so hurt that none of them tried to think about his side in all of this. Why did none of them ask how he was doing? If he was okay? Because he wasn’t.

And so, Chanyeol stopped coming to the hangouts as well. He stayed in his room and only came out when he needed to. Avoiding Jongdae and Minseok was harder as they lived together, but he quickly figured out their schedules and learned when it was safe to leave his room. His focus in classes slipped as his mood dropped. It eventually affected his work as well, being unable to fake the happy banter with Junmyeon, so he went back to his previous position of just managing the music even though his co-host tried to talk to him.

Jongdae and Minseok tried to talk to him as well, but Chanyeol couldn’t bear the thought of them not believing him. They still saw Baekhyun regularly and would know that Chanyeol was still showing up everywhere. He couldn’t face them, feeling like a failure. Their attempts dwindled as he went on shutting them out and they eventually stopped trying to get him to talk. They still cared for him though, leaving leftovers for him in the fridge, washing his clothes and Chanyeol greatly appreciated the effort.

✦

It all fell apart one morning where Chanyeol was on his way to pick up his morning coffee before his early lecture. It was the fourth café of this month he had tried in his attempts to avoid Baekhyun. He was tired and cranky from the lack of sleep and the café was way off his route to campus but he couldn’t go back to the others. Baekhyun had always ended up showing up.

The fact that it was nearing Christmas, the cold winter winds freezing him to the bone only worsened his mood.

He yawned, trudging sourly down the street. It was the third night in a row he had barely gotten any sleep, the vivid dreams of him and Baekhyun keeping him awake. The same damn dream of them dancing in a wide field under the stars, with that same damn melody playing in his head. Every single night.

As he entered the café, ready to down the largest Americano they offered, he froze in his tracks. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream.

Right in front of the counter was Baekhyun, looking back at him in complete disbelief.

Chanyeol was already turning on his heel, ready to make his escape, feeling like punching someone at the thought of having to find yet another café to get his caffeine boost. But this time Baekhyun had apparently had enough, and before Chanyeol had even made it to the door, the smaller boy had marched up to him and smacked him across the face.

   “What the _fuck_ is your problem?!” he yelled, voice borderline hysteric as Chanyeol stared at him in total shock. His right cheek was stinging and it felt warm when he reached up to touch it, wincing at the pain.

   “I don’t know what game you’re playing, but you need to stop!” Baekhyun’s voice was loud, uncaring that the whole café was currently watching the drama unfold. “You’re messing up my life, did that ever cross your mind? I don’t know what you think we had, but let me tell you right now that there is _nothing_ , you understand?! You need to leave me the fuck alone. I haven’t called the police because Jongdae begged me not to, but if I see you again I won’t hesitate. Leave me _alone_!”

Chanyeol couldn’t do anything but stand there and take it. His voice felt locked in his throat, his body frozen. He had never thought it would get this far. How did his life end up like this?

Once Baekhyun was done screaming at him, the smaller boy stood there, looking impossibly small. He was panting, eyes red and puffy with bags as dark as Chanyeol’s own. Chanyeol’s eyes stung with unshed tears, nails digging painfully into his palms as everything he wanted to say ran through his mind. He felt humiliated. Heartbroken.

In the end, all he could get out was a weak ‘I’m sorry’ before he turned on his heels, escaping the suffocation air of the café. He ran all the way home, feeling like he was being choked. His door was slammed shut and locked before Jongdae, who was sitting in the living room, even got the chance to say anything.

Frantic, Chanyeol dug out his headphones from the mess that was his room and put them on, turning up the volume to drown out his thoughts.

He felt hot all over, his body wanting to keep running. Anger would bubble up inside of him only to be drowned out by his broken heart. It wasn’t his fault!

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. How did it end up like this? Why was he suffering like this _when it wasn’t even his fault?!_

✦

Hours later when Chanyeol was lying on his bed, his music turned down to avoid permanently damaging his ears, there was a gentle knock on his door.

   “Chanyeol?” It was Jongdae. Chanyeol ignored him, staring blankly up at the ceiling. “Chanyeol… Baekhyun told me what happened. Are… are you okay?”

Chanyeol almost wanted to laugh. Okay? How could he be _okay_? He had no idea how he had ended up in this fucked up situation, had never asked to be a part of it, but suddenly he was seen as the villain. Even by his friends. And now Jongdae was asking if he was okay?

As Chanyeol ignored him again, Jongdae sighed. “I’m here if you need anything.” Then he left.

Chanyeol didn’t even move a muscle. His whole body was aching like it would after an intense workout with Minseok and he didn’t understand.

 ✦

He must have fallen asleep somehow as he was woken up some time later by someone knocking on his door.

   “Chanyeol, I made dinner,” It was Minseok this time, his voice soft and worried, like he was speaking to a cornered animal. “Are you going to join us? You must be hungry.”

He wasn’t. He just felt empty.

   “Alright. I’ll leave the leftovers in the fridge for you, okay?” There was a pause. “We’re worried about you.”

Chanyeol’s heart hurt. He missed his friends. He missed their hangouts. When was the last time he had laughed? When was the last time he had even smiled?

But he couldn’t say anything, words getting lost and his mouth feeling locked up. What could he say? Nothing made sense. Nothing he felt made sense.

So, he ignored Minseok until he left. And then he just laid there.

✦

The only thing he could do, was throw himself at work. He started spending all of his time studying in his room and when he wasn’t, the late nights where he couldn’t sleep, he was stuck by his keyboard, desperately trying to get that damned melody out of his head. The floor in his room was overflowing with crumpled up papers, music notes and lyrics discarded because they never felt right.

He still went to work and to class. People had now started avoiding him and he could understand why. Without proper sleep for god knows how long, he looked and felt like shit. His mood was in the dumps and he couldn’t be bothered to talk to anyone.

At work he tried his best to meet the deadlines, but more often than not he found himself spacing out from exhaustion and work piled up. Eventually Yixing sat him down, kindly trying to talk to him, asked him what was wrong. He knew what had happened, Chanyeol was sure. They all knew. Chanyeol couldn’t handle how Yixing was looking at him, with pity and worry, but still apprehensive.

So Chanyeol quit the radio, unable to handle the thought of letting Yixing and Junmyeon down any longer.

And when Chanyeol eventually spotted Baekhyun again on the way to class one morning, the smaller boy taking in his rugged appearance with wide eyes, Chanyeol just stopped going out completely.

He was good at what he did and missing classes wouldn’t bring his grades down that much as Jongdae always made sure to bring the homework back with him, leaving them for Chanyeol on the dining table.

Chanyeol’s life was miserable and more often than not he just stayed in bed all day. And the worst thing about it all was that he didn’t even understand why he felt so… devastated. Yes, he had perhaps had a bit of a crush on Baekhyun, but it was just a fucking crush. And he had gotten his heart broken before, but it had never felt like this. Like his heart had been torn apart.

Every night he was plagued by dreams of him and Baekhyun in a happy relationship, smiling, holding hands, kissing. He would wake up, tears spilling over his cheeks, still feeling the touch of Baekhyun’s lips on his own. He feared he was actually going insane.

Why did that one boy have so much power over Chanyeol, when it seemed he was completely unaffected himself? It wasn’t fair that Chanyeol had to be the only one suffering like this. What had he done to deserve this?

✦

Finally, one night his friends got tired of watching him pull further and further away. Minseok must have laid in wait for Chanyeol to come out of his room and finally managed to catch him on the way back from the bathroom. He blocked Chanyeol from going back to his room, standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips and a determined look on his face. Despite being a whole head shorter than Chanyeol, the taller boy felt very intimidated.

   “You are coming with me, right now. I will drag you if I have to!” Minseok demanded, showing the duffle bag that held Chanyeol’s gym clothes at him.

   “But,“ Chanyeol protested weakly, voice hoarse from not being used. “It’s nearly midnight?”

Minseok just raised a brow and pointed at the door, challenging Chanyeol to try and protest any further. And so Chanyeol let Minseok drag him to their usual gym at 11:47 pm. It was open 24 hours but was completely deserted when they arrived.

Instead of trying to talk to him like Chanyeol had feared, Minseok instead turned up the music and pretty much ignored him. At first Chanyeol had no idea why Minseok thought this was a good idea, but as he got more into it, his muscles burning and body starting to hurt for a completely different reason, Chanyeol suddenly couldn’t stop. He pushed himself and his body to the brink, finally able to focus on another type of pain. His mind was blank and all he could feel was burning.

All the frustration, the hurt, the anger, started slowly seeping out from his body and he wasn’t sure if it was sweat or tears but his face was dripping. Minseok never commented, only silently watched Chanyeol work himself to exhaustion.

✦

Chanyeol had no idea how long he had been at it when his body eventually collapsed, spreading out on the floor as he heaved for breath. Everything hurt but he felt better than he had in a long time. He felt more in control.

   “Chanyeol,” Minseok said quietly as he sat down beside him on the floor after having turned off the music. “You’ve got to talk to me. We’re all worried. What is going on with you?”

Chanyeol couldn’t hold it in any longer and as he finally opened his mouth, it came with the force of a dam breaking. He wasn’t sure if any of it even made sense, but he told Minseok everything. About how it felt like he couldn’t breathe the first time he saw Baekhyun, as well as the hundreds of times after that. How he felt like a hollow shell after Baekhyun had stopped talking to him. About the dreams keeping him awake every night. About feeling so powerless and hopeless in all of this because he didn’t understand anything. Didn’t understand why he felt like that, why it was all happening. How nothing made any sense.

It felt so freeing getting it all out, finally voicing the thoughts that had haunted him for months. To finally share it with someone who would hopefully at least try to understand.

   “I wish…” he finished, voice breaking as he tried to hold back a sob. “I wish I had never seen him that day. It all started there. I wish I had looked the other way.”

Silence fell over the room as he stopped talking and he took a deep breath, feeling like he could finally breathe a little better now the burden pressing on his chest had been lessened. Hopelessness had been replaced with exhaustion and defeat. 

Minseok didn’t laugh. He didn’t call him crazy. It was a couple of minutes before he said anything but Chanyeol knew it was a lot to take in, so he waited patiently.

   “Oh Chanyeol,” Minseok eventually sighed, gently taking Chanyeol’s hand. “Why didn’t you tell us this sooner? We could… we could maybe have helped you. At least you wouldn’t have been dealing with this on your own.”

Hope flooded through Chanyeol, tears welling up in his eyes again. “You mean… you believe me?” he asked, sounding small and pathetic but he didn’t care.

   “I mean – it sounds crazy but…“ Minseok shook his head and squeezed Chanyeol’s hand. “We can all see how much this has affected you. You wouldn’t act like this for no reason. So yes, I believe you. I wish you would have talked to us sooner. We could have talked to Baekhyun for you, tried to explain. None of us ever thought you were actually stalking him but… if we’d have known, we could have helped.”

Chanyeol scoffed. He was over the moon that Minseok actually believed him but… “Would he have believed you?” he asked, taking his hand away from Minseok’s as he sat up. “Do you really think that?”

When Minseok hesitated, Chanyeol huffed and got up, swaying a little on unsteady legs. “Forget it.”

   “Chanyeol-“ Minseok tried, scrambling to get up as well.

   “Minseok, really,” Chanyeol cut him off. He took a deep breath, not wanting to get mad at the only friend he had right now. Minseok really just was trying to help and Chanyeol appreciated it more than words could say. “I know you’re trying to help, but I don’t think there’s anything we can do. We don’t even know what’s causing all this, so how could we stop it?”

As he spoke, he realized that he hadn’t actually been fair to himself. Even if they didn’t know how to stop this, why should he be the one to suffer for it? Why had he been the one who had to suffer all along? None of this was his fucking fault in the first place, so why should his life be ruined to please Baekhyun? Why was it Chanyeol who had to give up on everything just because Baekhyun didn’t want to see him?

It wasn’t fair. He needed to stop this.

Along with the anger, something else bubbled up inside of him, a song growing louder and louder in his head. He bolted out of the gym, leaving a stunned Minseok behind. He ran all the way home, stumbling along the streets like a madman, up the stairs, past a confused Jongdae and into his room, locking the door after him.

The song was growing inside of him, taking over his every sense and he needed to get it out before it disappeared. The damned song had kept him awake countless nights. If he could just get it out of his head and down onto paper, maybe it would stop.

His fingers worked almost on autopilot, the song bursting from his head like it wanted to be freed from its cage.

_What if I never run into you?_

_What if you never smiled at me?_

_What if I had noticed you, too?_

_And you never showed up where I happened to be?_

Honestly, fuck Baekhyun. It probably wasn’t his fault either, but if Chanyeol had never seen him that day, none of this would have happened. Fuck Baekhyun and the control he had over Chanyeol.

_What’s someone like you doing in a place like this?_

_On a quiet night, what are the odds?_

_What’s someone like me doing in a place like this?_

_I could have just walked by, who would have thought?_

God he missed him. His smile, his laugh, the way he would tug on Chanyeol’s sleeve insistently if he wasn’t getting enough attention. If it wasn’t for this fucked up situation, Chanyeol thought the two of them could have had something great. If only…

_What are the chances that we’d end up dancing?_

_Like two in a million, like once in a life_

_That I could have found you, put my arms around you_

_Like two in a million, like once in a life_

What if Chanyeol had never noticed him that day? If Baekhyun had just walked by him, without any of them knowing the other was there? Would this have happened? Would they just have met somewhere else? There was some kind of connection between them, Chanyeol was sure of that. It couldn’t all be coincidences. But… why? Why him? Why them?

_Is it love? Is it fate?_

_Who am I? Who’s to say?_

_Don’t know exactly what it means_

_Is it love? Is it fate?_

_Where it leads, who can say?_

_Maybe you and I were meant to be_

✦

Chanyeol had no idea how much time had passed when he finally moved away from the keyboard. His head was throbbing, his eyes dry and his stomach screaming for food, but he wanted to cry from joy as he stared at the single audio file on his computer.

It was there. The song that had plagued him for so long. It was finally out. His voice was hoarse, his throat raw from singing his heart out for hours, but it was there.

As he stood up, he stumbled, legs feeling like jelly, and he suddenly caught a whiff of himself. He nearly gagged, realizing he had never actually changed his clothes or showered after working out. His whole body felt sticky with old sweat, his clothes sticking uncomfortably to his skin.

He looked longingly at his computer, already knowing what the next step for him was and all he wanted to do was get it over with, but he still had a bit of vanity left. He couldn’t go outside like that.

The apartment was silent as he left his room, all of the lights off letting Chanyeol know it was dark outside. Had he spent the whole day in his room? He wondered where Jongdae and Minseok were, but was actually happy they were out. It meant he wouldn’t have to talk to them just yet. He had something to do first.

As he showered, washing away the layer of grime that had built up, something that felt a lot like hope bubbled up inside of him. It felt like the scalding water was washing away the empty shell he had been, leaving behind fresh skin and a beating heart.

Once he had done this, he had a feeling he would finally be free.

✦

Putting on a fresh pair of clothes felt amazing and for the first time in forever, Chanyeol started feeling like his old self.

As he headed for the radio station, his heart was beating loudly in his ears, his mind buzzing in anticipation. The song needed to get out for him to be free. He was so sure.

He marched into the building, past a bewildered Junmyeon and right into Yixing’s office, the older boy looking up in shock. He quickly put down the phone, muttering a quick goodbye to whoever he had been talking to before scrambling to get out of his chair.

   “Chanyeol?” he greeted, eyes wide.

   “Yixing, I have a favour to ask,” Chanyeol said, panting slightly from practically running all the way. He held out the USB with the song on it, cradling it with both hands. “I need you to air this. Please.”

   “W-what, Chanyeol, I don’t underst-“ Yixing looked at him like he had finally gone crazy.

   “Yixing, please!” Chanyeol cut him off, pleading. “I need this.”

   “You know I have to listen to it first,” Yixing sighed, seemingly realizing that there was no talking to Chanyeol unless he did what he wanted. He sat back down by his computer and plugged in the USB, glancing up at Chanyeol with obvious worry. “But Chanyeol, really. Are you okay? We haven’t seen you in weeks. Jongdae told me what happened with Baekhyun. I was so worried.”

   “I’ll be better once you air this,” Chanyeol insisted, ready to get down on his knees and beg if that was what it took. “I promise I’ll explain later. But Yixing, please.”

Once the song was out, it would no longer plague him. And hopefully the dreams would disappear along with it. It needed to get out of his head.

Seeing there was no reasoning with Chanyeol, Yixing sighed again and nodded, putting on his headphones. As he started listening, he frowned slightly and for a second Chanyeol feared the song wasn’t there. That he was the only one who could hear it.

He waited anxiously as Yixing listened, his eyes closed so that he couldn’t see Yixing’s expression. He didn’t want to see his reaction, terrified of putting himself out there like that.

   “Chanyeol…” Yixing breathed and Chanyeol finally opened his eyes. The older boy was looking at him with wide, teary eyes. “This is… this is for-?”

   “Please!” Chanyeol begged, voice breaking.

   “It’s beautiful,” Yixing said with a wistful smile. He walked over and pulled Chanyeol into a tight hug, Chanyeol feeling a lump form in his throat. “I’ll give it to Junmyeon, he’ll make sure they play it.”

He pulled away to look Chanyeol in the eye and flicked him gently on the forehead. “On one condition though, you come back to work. The listeners miss you and we can’t find someone to replace you. _We_ miss you.”

Feeling tears threatening to fall, Chanyeol nodded, “Deal.” He had missed his job so much, missed working with Yixing and Junmyeon, and he had been afraid that they would be mad at him for quitting.

Giving Chanyeol one last hug, Yixing left the office and Chanyeol sunk into the couch, exhaustion finally catching up to him again. He didn’t want to listen to the song, knew it by heart. He just had to wait.

As time passed Chanyeol found himself relaxing for the first time in months. The song was gone, his mind finally silent. 

✦

He hadn’t even noticed that he had fallen asleep until Yixing was gently shaking him awake.

   “Everyone loved it,” he smiled softly. “People are calling in, asking what song it is.”

It was done. The song was out. Chanyeol wondered for a second if Baekhyun had heard it and for some reason, he hoped he had.

Chanyeol’s heart was still hurting, there was still a tug in his chest, but his mind was silent. The rest was easier to live with, easier to ignore.

He thanked Yixing before heading out, feeling light, like he was floating. The cold winter air was refreshing and he inhaled deeply as he stepped out into the dark December night. He could just about make out the stars above him over the light of the city as he looked up.

Overcome with a feeling of relief, he stood there in the middle of the parking lot, eyes closed, just enjoying the fresh air. No more cramped rooms. No more locked doors.

A cold breeze had him shivering and he turned to head back home, but he hadn’t made it far before the sounds of running footsteps broke through the otherwise silent night. He turned around and suddenly felt like he had stepped right off a cliff, wind roaring in his ears as he fell.

Baekhyun was right there in front of him, bent over with his hands on his knees as he fought to catch his breath. His clothes were wrinkled, his hair a mess and he had deep purple bags under his eyes. He was still impossibly beautiful.

   “The song!” he panted, eyes wild as he stepped closer to Chanyeol. “How did you-? That’s been in my head for months!”

Chanyeol was speechless. He was having a hard time understanding that Baekhyun was actually right there, not some sort of figment of his imagination. But as he looked over Baekhyun, the boy looking smaller than he remembered, he stood upright and squared his shoulders. This time he would not just stand there and let Baekhyun run him over. He shrugged, not trusting his voice not to break if he spoke. He couldn’t show any weakness. This time he was the one in control.

Seemingly not satisfied with the response, Baekhyun stared intently at Chanyeol, his heavy breaths coming out in small puffs of white. But as Chanyeol refused to say anything, the two of them stood there, just looking at each other as Baekhyun’s breathing slowly returned to normal.

   “Minseok told me everything,” Baekhyun eventually said, voice loud in the quiet night.

Chanyeol didn’t know how to feel. Should he feel embarrassed? Angry? Relieved? Honestly, he just felt tired. He was done with all of this. He didn’t even know what he wanted from Baekhyun anymore, hadn’t expected to see him again so soon.

When Chanyeol still didn’t say anything, Baekhyun made a noise of frustration, running his fingers through his hair as he started pacing back and forth agitatedly. “I thought I was going crazy! You were everywhere and every time I saw you I… I felt like I had known you forever. I wanted to be with you all the time. I was scared. I felt so much for someone I barely know and I didn’t understand. I _don’t_ understand. You where _everywhere_ , never letting me breathe and I – ” he voice cracked, sounding on the verge of hysterics, his hair now sticking out all over the place as he kept messing it up.

He stopped pacing and stared right at Chanyeol, guilt shining out of his eyes. “I blamed you. I thought that if I just made you go away, then all of this would stop but…” he trailed off.

   “It hurts,” Chanyeol said, finishing his sentence. He would never have thought that Baekhyun was going through the same as him. The boy had always seemed so sure of himself, so in control. He never showed any signs of being as affected as Chanyeol.

   “It hurts,” Baekhyun repeated quietly, almost a whisper. His shoulders sagged in defeat and Chanyeol thought he had never looked smaller. “And I don’t understand, and I hate it. But I should never have blamed you. I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun’s eyes were shining, his lower lip trembling and Chanyeol felt the urge to pull him into his arms to comfort him. But he didn’t.

He had no idea what to say. What to feel. For some reason it was a relief to know that Baekhyun had been as scared and confused as he was. It didn’t make it okay how he had treated Chanyeol, but Chanyeol understood. It had been Baekhyun’s way of dealing with what he didn’t understand. But… what now?

   “Thank you,” Chanyeol muttered, giving Baekhyun a small smile as the boy looked up at Chanyeol hopefully. Baekhyun’s eyes were almost glowing in the streetlights and Chanyeol knew that he needed to leave now before he got dragged right back to where it had all started. His heart told him to stay and his legs felt like lead as he turned to leave, shooting Baekhyun one last shaky smile.

   “W-wait!” Baekhyun gasped, grabbing onto Chanyeol’s elbow. “What… where are you going?”

   “Home,” Chanyeol said, refusing to turn and look at Baekhyun, knowing that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to leave. He no longer felt in control and his brain was screaming at him to escape with his newfound freedom while he still could. His heart was rooting his feet to the ground. His elbow felt like it was on fire where Baekhyun was touching him, holding onto his coat with a desperate grip.

   “Don’t! Please,” Baekhyun’s voice broke, sounding like a sob and Chanyeol closed his eyes. “I – don’t leave me. _Please._ ”

Chanyeol turned around, heart breaking a little at the sight of the tear running down Baekhyun’s cheek. He couldn’t leave.

✦

They were walking through the nearby park, arms bumping into each other every other step. The park was completely deserted and Chanyeol had no idea what time it was. It had started to snow as they had entered the park and the snowflakes lazily fluttered to the ground, shimmering like glitter in the light of the hundreds of Christmas lights lining every tree.

Neither of them spoke for a long while as they walked. Baekhyun was once again the one to break the silence.

   “The song,” he said, voice almost a whisper. “I had the melody in my head and could never put words to it. But you did and… it felt right. They didn’t say who it was when they played it, but I knew. And then Yixing texted me, saying you were still there and… I had to see you.”

He looked up at Chanyeol, looking as tired and defeated as Chanyeol felt. “How is this possible?”

Chanyeol shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “Maybe it’s fate.” It was the word from the song. He wasn’t being serious, he wasn’t joking. It just… was. He didn’t know how else to describe it.

Baekhyun stopped, inhaling sharply and he grabbed onto Chanyeol’s sleeve. “Sing it for me. Please. I need to hear it again.”

   “What, right now?” Chanyeol asked surprised and suddenly self-conscious. The way Baekhyun looked at him made him feel exposed. And though he had already shared the song with the world, now learning he had shared it with Baekhyun long before that, it still felt… private. Too intimate.

   “Please,” Baekhyun begged.

Chanyeol was powerless. His voice was shaky at first but grew in strength as his confidence did. Not once did he break eye contact with Baekhyun.

Baekhyun’s eyes were shining like stars in the Christmas lights, cheeks red from the cold, a cryptic smile on his face. At this moment he looked ethereal. He reached out and grabbed Chanyeol’s hand, the taller boy’s voice faltering slightly. He pulled Chanyeol closer, placing Chanyeol’s hand on his hip before gently placing his own on Chanyeol’s shoulder, their other hands still linked between them. Chanyeol was still singing, voice ringing out in the empty park.

Taking a step back, Baekhyun pulled Chanyeol along with him, then another step to the side and suddenly they were dancing, twirling around effortlessly as Baekhyun gently led him along. Chanyeol’s voice faltered but was then joined by Baekhyun’s, clear and light against Chanyeol’s deep and husky.

He was singing along like he had heard the song hundreds of times, their voices blending together perfectly as they twirled around in the snow.

It probably looked ridiculous but as their voices grew, a light grew inside of Chanyeol, a warmth expanding from his chest all the way to his fingertips. He felt like he was glowing as bright as Baekhyun was, the smaller boy beaming widely as he sang his heart out.

They were both breathless by the time they stopped, their faces so close Chanyeol could feel Baekhyun’s breath on his lips. The sudden quiet was ringing in his ears and he couldn’t move, Baekhyun keeping a tight hold on him.

   “Come home with me,” Baekhyun breathed, leaning his forehead on Chanyeol’s shoulder. “I think we’ll both sleep better together.”

   “Baekhyun…” Chanyeol hesitated, not knowing if it was the best idea. In fact, it was a terrible idea. Nothing was fixed, they had so much to talk out. He refused to just sweep it all under the rug like it had never happened.

   “Please.” Baekhyun tightened his hold on Chanyeol like he was afraid he would disappear. “We’ll talk in the morning. But right now, I just need to sleep in your arms.”

It was a losing fight, Chanyeol knew that. He was weak and holding Baekhyun like this… it felt right. So he let himself get tugged along by the smaller boy, not even caring what was going to happen now. They would worry about that in the morning.

As they left the park, their pinkies linked shyly between them, neither of them noticed the red string that was wrapped around their fingers, binding them together.

✦

_What if I never run into you?_

_What if you never smiled at me?_

✦


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part was actually meant to be a stand-alone oneshot when I first wrote it, but like I mentioned before, after I had finished it I still had a lot I wanted to write, so I decided on a second part. Hope you guys like it ^^  
> ~ M

                                                           

They arrived at Baekhyun’s apartment, his building being closer than Chanyeol’s. Neither had spoken while they walked. The silence had not been awkward but… static, something sizzling in the air around them that they both ignored. Chanyeol’s body was cold to the bone but he wasn’t actually freezing, white-hot fire spreading up from the hand Baekhyun was still keeping a tight hold on.

Baekhyun’s grip was firm, on the verge of being painful as if he was afraid that Chanyeol would run away if he let go for even a second.

As they entered the warmth of the apartment, the sound of a TV filled the previous silence and Baekhyun smiled apologetically. “Kyungsoo’s home, I thought he would be out.”

Chanyeol froze on the doorstep, fear creeping up inside him at the thought of seeing Kyungsoo. The other boy had not been happy with him the last couple of times they had seen each other. Sensing his hesitation, Baekhyun huffed out a small breath and peeled off Chanyeol’s jacket before urging him to take off his shoes. He then gently pulled Chanyeol along into the living room where Kyungsoo looked up from where he was sitting on the couch.

His face lit up in a tired smile to greet Baekhyun, but as his eyes landed on Chanyeol, the smile dimmed to a look of confusion. Seeing their hands linked between them had him frowning, looking up at Baekhyun for answers.

Baekhyun just smiled, nodding and held Chanyeol’s hand tighter as if he could feel the self-doubt washing over the taller boy. Kyungsoo let out a breath, a small smile spreading over his face as he looked back at Chanyeol. Chanyeol tried to smile back but it probably looked more like a grimace. Before either of them could say anything, Baekhyun was pulling Chanyeol along again, and Chanyeol then found himself in the smaller boy’s bedroom. Only now did Baekhyun let go of his hand, a little hesitantly, before walking over to open his closet, rummaging through it while Chanyeol just stood awkwardly by the closed door, not knowing what to do with himself.

He honestly wasn’t really sure what was happening, was still thinking that it could all just be another dream though Baekhyun’s hand had felt too warm and too real in his own.

Baekhyun popped out from the closet, arms full of clothes that he handed Chanyeol. “I’m sorry, they might be a bit small,” he apologized while Chanyeol held it up to look at it; a pair of sweatpants and a white shirt that did indeed look a little small.

  “’s okay,” Chanyeol mumbled, voice sounding weird in his head. He hesitated, not knowing what to do. Should he change there? Go to the bathroom?

Almost as if to answer his question, Baekhyun swiftly pulled off his shirt, apparently not caring at all about changing in front of Chanyeol, humming to himself as he put on his pyjamas. Chanyeol quickly spun around, heat rising to his cheeks as he rushed to change as well before the other boy was done. For some reason, he suddenly felt self-conscious of his body and felt too exposed standing in only his underwear.

Behind him, Baekhyun giggled and Chanyeol’s heart constricted at the sound. God, he had missed his laugh.

When he turned around again, Baekhyun was already sitting on the bed, watching Chanyeol with a content smile. Chanyeol hesitated again – getting into bed with Baekhyun was like a dream come true but it could end up being the beginning of another nightmare. Was he ready for this… whatever it was? He had no idea what Baekhyun had planned for him.

The honey-blonde cocked his head to the side and held out his hand, patting the space beside him with the other. “Come on,” he said with a crooked smile. “I don’t bite.”

An almost panicked laugh left Chanyeol’s mouth but his body was already moving on its own, getting into bed beside the other boy. His body felt weirdly stiff as he slowly, awkwardly lay down, very careful not to touch Baekhyun. Air was getting caught in his throat, his lungs feeling constricted and every part of his body was tensed up as he lay there, staring intently at the ceiling.

But once again, it seemed Baekhyun wasn’t affected at all, like it was only Chanyeol who suddenly couldn’t breathe, as the smaller boy let out a happy sigh, cuddling up to Chanyeol’s side like they had done it a million times before.

Chanyeol was shaking, every nerve in his body feeling like a live wire, hairs standing on end. His muscles hurt from how he was tensed up. Baekhyun was warm and soft beside him, an arm thrown over Chanyeol’s stomach and a leg over his thighs in an attempt to hold the taller boy.

  “Relax please,” Baekhyun eventually mumbled, nuzzling a bit closer. “We’ll talk in the morning, I promise. But we both need some sleep and we’ll sleep better like this. So just… relax.”

As he spoke Chanyeol could feel his breath on his collarbone sending shivers down his spine. He sighed, letting out a breath he hadn’t even realized he had been holding and finally, the tension started letting up. He focused on Baekhyun’s breathing and let the tension slowly seep out of his body. Baekhyun hummed contently when his body finally became more pliant and he snuggled even closer, tucking his head into the crook of Chanyeol’s neck as he was now practically lying on top of the taller boy.

Baekhyun’s breathing got heavier as he started falling asleep, little yipping noises leaving his mouth every once in a while reminding Chanyeol of a puppy. Once the boy on top of him had fallen asleep completely, body lax and warm against Chanyeol’s, the taller boy finally allowed himself to move. Slowly, he lifted his arm, the limb feeling like it was made of jelly, as he gently placed it around the boy on his chest, hugging him close.

The exhaustion from the past couple of months caught up to him again and he could feel his consciousness slip. He let himself fall.

That night there were no dreams, no song, only warmth.  

✦

Chanyeol woke up feeling groggy. He felt hot, almost overheated but comfortable. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept that well. His mind was clear, no lingering dreams, no lingering song. It was all gone. He felt… almost free.

Baekhyun was still sleeping in his arms, head lying on his chest right over his heart and his mouth hanging slightly open. He looked so peaceful, almost childlike as his cheeks puffed up. But as much as Chanyeol wanted to stay and revel in the comfort and warmth, to draw out their inevitable conversation, he really needed to pee.

He slowly moved around so that Baekhyun was no longer on top of him, the smaller boy mumbling some nonsense but not waking up, before getting out of bed. The apartment was quiet as he left the room, so he assumed that Kyungsoo was still asleep which was quite a relief. Chanyeol didn’t have the courage to face him right now.

After doing his business, he paused in the hallway. Going back to bed with Baekhyun was quite tempting but he had a feeling that it would be even harder to leave again a second time, especially if Baekhyun was awake. He was also quite hungry, not remembering when he last actually ate something. Maybe he should cook them breakfast? Would that be weird?

He hesitated for a second but ultimately decided to head for the kitchen. In the end, it was the safest choice. For some reason the thought of going back to bed with Baekhyun made his stomach turn to knots. He wasn’t sure if it was a pleasing feeling or not.

As it turned out, going back to Baekhyun would probably have been better, because as Chanyeol entered the kitchen, still kind of groggy from sleep, he walked right in on Kyungsoo sitting by the table, drinking his morning coffee. Chanyeol froze, unsure of what to do. Was he even welcome?

  “Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo greeted, slightly surprised and with a wary smile.

  “I – I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were –” Chanyeol stammered, already turning on his heel to flee the room. He couldn’t handle two confrontations in one morning.

  “No, Chanyeol wait!” Kyungsoo quickly said, getting up.

Chanyeol stopped, awkwardly shuffling his feet and eyes locked on the ground so that he wouldn’t make eye contact with the other boy. Despite being the taller of the two, he felt small and timid like he was a kid waiting to get scolded. All he could see was the mistrust, the glares. He was scared to find that same look in his eyes if he looked up now.

  “Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo said again, voice soft, and Chanyeol dared to look up. There was no steely glare, no anger, only fondness and guilt. Kyungsoo sighed before walking over, pulling Chanyeol into a tight hug, Chanyeol having to stoop down into the embrace.

  “I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo said, squeezing Chanyeol tightly. “I am your friend too; I should have listened to your side of the story as well.”

Chanyeol’s eyes stung with tears and there was a lump growing in his throat. “It’s okay, I understand.” Kyungsoo was Baekhyun’s friend first; they had known each other the longest. He really did understand. It didn’t mean that it hadn’t hurt like hell when Kyungsoo hadn’t trusted him, but out of all their friends, Chanyeol could understand Kyungsoo’s mistrust the most.

The two of them helped each other cook breakfast, moving around the kitchen and each other with ease like they used to whenever they cooked for them all. It was a comfortable silence as they cooked and Chanyeol was so relieved they were as back to normal as they could be.

They were almost done when Baekhyun came stumbling into the kitchen, hair sticking up all over the place and eyes wide and wild. He looked almost distressed. His eyes roamed over the kitchen frantically and when they landed on Chanyeol, his whole body sagged with relief and he let out a deep breath.

  “I thought you’d left,” he admitted, shrugging with an awkward laugh.

Chanyeol didn’t even know what to say to that, so he just grimaced a smile and gestured towards the food. They ate in silence. This time it was awkward, the tension of the upcoming conversation hanging in the air and Kyungsoo was looking quite uncomfortable with it all. The clock on the wall ticked loudly as seconds passed, only pressing the tension further. As soon as Kyungsoo was done eating, he excused himself and fled the room.

In an attempt to put off the conversation, Baekhyun and Chanyeol helped each other do the dishes. Chanyeol could feel himself get more and more nervous as the seconds kept ticking by on the clock, his stomach knotting up almost painfully and his heart fighting to jump out of his chest.

Once there was literally nothing more for them to do, they sat by the table again, facing each other. When Chanyeol didn’t say anything, wanting Baekhyun to take the initiative, Baekhyun sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “So… I guess it’s time for that talk now.”

Chanyeol felt cold, scared. He dreaded whatever Baekhyun was going to say, afraid to hear it. He couldn’t take another rejection. Not after Baekhyun had gotten his hopes up like that. But he didn’t know what he wanted either. Did he want to be with Baekhyun? He honestly wasn’t sure. He just wanted to stop feeling so hollow all the time.

Even Baekhyun looked nervous, eyes shifty and he kept nibbling on his lip. It was weird to see Baekhyun anything but confident, but it was nice to know that Chanyeol wasn’t the only one affected by this.

  “This whole… situation is pretty crazy, huh?” Baekhyun tried with a half-hearted smile and a hollow laugh that quickly died down. He cleared his throat, shaking his head. “Right, sorry. Uhm… as I said yesterday, Minseok told me everything.”

He paused, taking a shaky breath before looking Chanyeol in the eye. “I am so sorry. For everything. I had never even considered that you might be suffering as well; I just… saw you everywhere and assumed that… yeah. Instead, I ended up ruining your life. I – I am _so_ sorry.”

Another apology and Chanyeol still had no idea what to say. What should he say? How should he feel? Spending the night with Baekhyun had indeed ended up messing with his head like he had feared. The haze that had just started to clear after getting the song out to the world was slowly creeping back in, and his sense of judgment would soon be affected too.

Still, Baekhyun looked like a kicked puppy and Chanyeol did feel bad for him. It must have been scary on his side as well. He lashed out because he had been confused and scared. But at least he’d had their friends to help him through it. Chanyeol had been alone. Isolated.

But that just left them at the same place as the night before. Nothing had been resolved. They were at a crossroads. Chanyeol needed to make a decision of where he wanted this to go.

  “I understand…” Chanyeol eventually said, echoing himself. “But… what now?”

Baekhyun gave him a small, hopeful smile and shrugged, fidgeting with his hands. “Well… we obviously can’t do anything to change it, and it hurts us both to be apart. So… I thought we could just… roll with it? For now? Together? Maybe we’ll figure something out. I don’t… I don’t want us to be like that anymore, like _this_ anymore. And – and I miss you.”

He was looking up at Chanyeol with big, hopeful eyes and it felt like someone was squeezing Chanyeol’s heart. He looked so sincere that Chanyeol wanted to agree just to see him smile.

  “I miss you too…” he admitted quietly. It was weird, saying your feelings out loud like that. It wasn’t an outright confession from either of them but it still felt intimate. And he had missed Baekhyun an awful lot in between all of the misery and self-pity, even when he had tried to hate the smaller boy for doing this to him.

Things wouldn’t go back to what they were before it all happened, he wouldn’t forget that easily. He was still piecing himself back together. But Baekhyun was right; it hurt too much to be apart. And at least now Baekhyun didn’t hate him anymore; they were finally on the same side. Roll with it… he could do that. But his head was telling him to be cautious. One wrong move and he could end up spiralling again. He couldn’t go back to that.

The two boys were quiet for a while, both lost in their thoughts until Baekhyun suddenly leaned over and gently tugged on a strand of Chanyeol’s hair. “You dyed it,” he said with a soft smile. “Too bad, I really liked the red.”

Chanyeol tried to smile, tried to hide the bitterness washing over him. He had liked the red too. A lot. “Red stood out too much,” he said, trying to keep the spite out of his voice. “You still saw me though. So I kind of regret it now.”

He didn’t blame Baekhyun. Not really. It wasn’t really his fault; he was as much a victim as Chanyeol. But it was so easy for Chanyeol to be mad at him, to put the blame on him because he was real, something you could actually see – touch. And he felt bad for actually getting a little satisfaction from how Baekhyun inhaled sharply, pulling his hand back like it had been burned.

  “I – I’m sorry,” he said again, voice breaking. He eyes got a shiny gloss to them like he was about to cry and he avoided eye contact with Chanyeol, instead looking down at his hands in guilt.

Again, Chanyeol didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to say that it was okay, because it wasn’t. He wasn’t really angry though. A little bitter, yes, but not angry. Actually, he was just… tired. Tired and confused, and in serious need of some room to breathe without Baekhyun looking at him with those big eyes.

It seemed Baekhyun wasn’t expecting an answer and instead stayed silent, getting lost in his own thoughts. Chanyeol went to get dressed in his clothes from the day before, feeling oddly shy about it. It wasn’t like they’d had sex, they had just slept in the same bed, but it still felt too much like the walk of shame.

Baekhyun was waiting for him in the hallway by the front door and watched quietly as Chanyeol put on his shoes and jacket. When done, Chanyeol turned to Baekhyun, thinking of something to say that wouldn’t be too awkward. He smiled carefully, rubbing the back of his neck. Baekhyun cocked his head to the side with a soft smile and stepped closer, reaching out to take Chanyeol’s hand.

In one swift movement, he pulled Chanyeol down a little, got on his toes and planted a kiss on Chanyeol’s cheek, the one he had slapped the night before, in a silent apology. Chanyeol just stared at him dumbfounded, mind shortcutting as the sudden confidence-boost from the other boy.

  “I’ll see you around?” Baekhyun asked, a teasing tone in his voice.

That made Chanyeol crack the first real smile of the day and he chuckled. “I’m sure.”  

✦

It was dead silent when Chanyeol walked into his apartment. He wondered for a second if Minseok and Jongdae were out, when a body came barreling into him, hugging him so tightly it hurt. Jongdae squeezed even tighter as Chanyeol curled into the hug, tears welling up in his eyes. He had missed his best friend so much.

Jongdae stepped back and then suddenly reached up to smack Chanyeol across the back of his head before pulling him back into a hug. “You fucking idiot!” Jongdae’s voice was loud but shaky. “You should have told me!”

He stepped back again to look Chanyeol in the eye, his eyes shining with tears like Chanyeol’s own. “I know I brushed you off the first time you tried and I –” his voice broke and he cleared his throat. “I am _so_ sorry. You should have kicked my ass for being a terrible friend. I know I would have.”

With the lump in his throat, Chanyeol was unable to say anything so he just nodded, sniffling pathetically. He was just happy that Jongdae finally believed him.

The boys spent the rest of the day on the couch, Chanyeol getting coddled by both Minseok and Jongdae. Chanyeol revelled in the attention, letting them spoil him rotten.

He fell asleep on the couch that night, his mind silent but the tug still persistent in his chest. There were no dreams, but he could still feel Baekhyun in his arms.

✦

Things were… weird. Chanyeol tried to go back to normal. As normal as possible at least. He started going to classes again but didn’t go back to work just yet. It was all quite overwhelming, suddenly being a part of the world again, so he tried to take it slow. His friends had tried to get in contact with him, but he told them that he needed some time. Truth was; he was still terrified. Though Kyungsoo hadn’t shunned him like Chanyeol had feared, there was no telling with the others.

Chanyeol knew it was irrational though, Jongdae also repeatedly told him so, but he was just… scared. He needed some time.

The liberating feeling he’d had when he released the song was now replaced with uncertainty. Baekhyun had once again turned his world upside down just as things had settled. This time it had left him clueless.

He still found himself going out of his way to avoid Baekhyun though he knew he no longer needed to. Still caught himself running away whenever he thought he saw Baekhyun.

One morning he was running late to class, so he gathered the courage to go back to his first regular coffee shop. It was the closest by and he had really missed their coffee. As he stepped inside, he was greeted with the refreshing smell of ground coffee beans and he instantly felt at home. He ordered his usual and went to sit by one of the tables to wait.

The bell rang by the door and on instinct Chanyeol looked up to see who had entered the coffee shop. Of course, it was Baekhyun. Immediately his body went into flight mode and he quickly got up, his chair making a too-loud scraping noise and Baekhyun looked over, locking eyes with him.

  “Chanyeol?” he greeted, a smile spreading over his face. He stopped right beside Chanyeol’s table, smiling happily up at the taller boy.

  “Hi,” Chanyeol said, voice embarrassingly high and squeaky. His heart was beating in his throat and every part of him wanted to run.

  “Can I join you?” Baekhyun asked, cautious but hopeful and Chanyeol’s heart skipped a beat. A weird feeling spread through him, warmth… something hopeful? But… “I uhm – I gotta get to class actually,” he muttered, and as if on cue his name was called by the barista. It wasn’t even a lie, he’d barely had the time to actually go and get the coffee. And he wasn’t sure if he actually wanted Baekhyun to join him, had he had the time. It felt almost too... intimate. Though they had shared a bed, this was different. It felt too real.

  “Oh.” Baekhyun’s face fell, disappointed. Chanyeol felt kind of awful.

  “Another time?” he asked before he had even thought it through. He just wanted Baekhyun to smile again. Seeing him sad felt like a punch to the gut.

And Baekhyun did smile, first a small, tentative one, then a bigger more cheerful smile. “Sure!” he beamed.

Chanyeol returned the smile before getting his coffee, sprinting to class in hopes of making it.

He couldn’t focus on a single thing the professor said.  

✦

Days came and went, Chanyeol still not finding the courage to face his friends. Yixing and Junmyeon had both contacted him regarding coming back to work like he had promised, but Chanyeol kept putting it off. He felt awful but the more he put it off, the more anxious he got.

It was nearly Christmas and the holiday break where they would all be going home to celebrate the ending of the year with their families, and Chanyeol felt the pressure from Jongdae and Minseok to go meet them all again.

One evening while Chanyeol was going over some music sheets, Jongdae came barging into his room, phone in hand and a determined look on his face. “Get dressed, we’re going out. All of us,” he said.

Chanyeol’s heart dropped to his stomach, feeling like he had taken a punch to the chest. “W-what?” he squeaked, hands already getting clammy at the thought. He wasn’t ready. It was still too soon.

  “Everyone’s free tonight and it’ll be the last time we see each other before next year,” Jongdae said, waving his phone at Chanyeol who spotted their group chat open. He had left and blocked that months ago. “They all want to see you. They missed you.”

Feeling like he was about to throw up, Chanyeol nervously fidgeted with his fingers. He remembered the pity. He remembered the stares. The whispers behind his back they tried to hide behind fake smiles. “I don’t know,” he whispered.

  “Chanyeol…” Jongdae sighed softly, walking over to sit beside Chanyeol on the bed. “I’ve already explained it all to them, I hope that’s okay. They all understood, I promise. They want to apologize. And I think Baekhyun has talked to them as well. It’s not gonna be anything crazy, just a casual dinner at our usual place. Come with us, please?”

He paused and then nudged Chanyeol with a small smile. “I think it’ll be good for you, so please?”

Chanyeol hesitated. He really had missed his friends and he knew that it was probably all going to be fine. He just needed to pull himself together. So he took a deep breath and nodded. And so he got dressed, Jongdae and Minseok waiting for him, meeting him with proud smiles when he finally emerged from his room.

The closer they got to the restaurant, the more nervous he got. He felt a little silly, getting so worked up by having to see his friends again, but he couldn’t help the knot forming in his stomach, his hands getting clammier as they got closer.

Everyone was already waiting for them when they finally arrived. Chanyeol stood back, feeling immensely awkward as Jongdae and Minseok greeted them all. He felt so stupid, standing frozen in place like a statue but his body wasn’t responding. Everyone was looking at him, waiting for him to do something, to say something. There was no malice in their eyes, only guilt, but still Chanyeol just couldn’t move.

It was Junmyeon who got up first, walking over to pull Chanyeol into a bone-crushing hug. Chanyeol just sagged against him completely and when Jongin and Sehun got up to hug him as well, Chanyeol may have started crying a little. Mumbled ‘I’m sorry” and “missed you” had Chanyeol feeling warm as his friends squeezed the life out of him. He forgave them, of course he did. It had hurt him a lot that they hadn’t trusted him, but the circumstances were so bizarre that he honestly wasn’t sure what he would have thought, had he been in their position.

Yixing was the last to hug him, also giving him a half-hearted flick on the forehead and a stern, “I expect you back at work after New Year’s, understand?” Chanyeol just nodded, teary-eyed and happy. Kyungsoo smiled from where he had stayed seated, waving in greeting when he caught Chanyeol’s eye. Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun last, though he had been aware of the other boy watching him ever since he had arrived. The honey-blonde had tears in his eyes and when Chanyeol smiled in greeting, Baekhyun only managed a half-hearted one in return.

Chanyeol ended up sitting almost directly across from Baekhyun when they all squeezed together to fit by the table. The mood was a little awkward at first and no one really knew what to say. Chanyeol had honestly forgotten how to even be social. But as they had ordered and their food arrived, the mood perked up and soon smiles and laughter were once again coming from their table.

Instead of the anxiousness, Chanyeol was now feeling light, smiling and laughing until his face and stomach hurt. He was still constantly aware of Baekhyun sitting in front of him though. The smaller boy was more quiet and subdued than usual but he would give a small smile every time he caught Chanyeol’s eye.

At the end of the night, Chanyeol, Jongdae and Minseok were some of the last to leave. Baekhyun hung back as well, even letting Kyungsoo leave without him when he complained about waiting. Jongdae noticed and pulled Minseok outside, telling Chanyeol they would wait for him while he talked to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun grinned, a little awkward, as Chanyeol walked over to him, and Chanyeol returned it with an awkward smile of his own. He and Baekhyun hadn’t spent that much time together since sharing a bed and none of it had been alone, so Chanyeol didn’t really know what to say. As usual.

  “You going home for Christmas?” Baekhyun asked, which was the last thing Chanyeol thought he’d want to talk about.

He blinked but nodded. His family would always spend Christmas and New Year’s together and he really looked forward to seeing them again as it had been a really long time. “You?” he asked.

Baekhyun nodded as well, then, only confusing Chanyeol more, he let out a shy laugh, his ears and cheeks growing red as he peeked up at Chanyeol through his long eyelashes. “I’ll miss you.”

Heat rushed to Chanyeol’s cheeks, his heart skipping a beat before attempting to gallop out of his chest. “I-I’ll miss you too,” he muttered shyly. There was no way he would keep seeing Baekhyun everywhere with them being so far away from each other. The thought surprisingly made him a little sad.

  “Would it be alright if I… if I called you?” Baekhyun then asked, fidgeting with his fingers like he was nervous.

Chanyeol frowned, not understanding why Baekhyun would ask this. Why would it not be okay? Was he missing something? “Y-yeah, of course?”

Baekhyun’s smile was blinding, leaving Chanyeol feeling like all air had been sucked from his lungs. He was so beautiful. Then, quick as lightning, Baekhyun leaned up to kiss Chanyeol on the cheek again, fire spreading from where his lips touched and through Chanyeol’s body. The taller boy just stood there dumbfounded, eyes wide as Baekhyun grinned mischievously.

  “Sorry,” he said, not looking sorry at all. “Couldn’t help myself.”

All Chanyeol could do was nod dumbly, still just standing there with his heart racing as Baekhyun said goodbye, leaving Chanyeol with a whirlwind of emotions.    

✦

Being home for Christmas was nice. It was like he had entered a whole different world where he could finally relax fully. There was no chance of running into Baekhyun, so he didn’t need to keep looking over his shoulder when he went outside of his house. The tugging in his chest was still there, but he slept better at night. No dreams, no song just the phantom feeling of Baekhyun still in his arms.

His family had, of course, noticed that he had been different as he had hardly contacted them when he was at his worst. And they could probably tell that he was still sort of unsettled.

They had tried asking him about it but Chanyeol didn’t want to talk about it. Home was his safe space. He was afraid that talking about Baekhyun and what had been happening would somehow summon the other boy to him. He knew it sounded crazy but he was scared that saying Baekhyun’s name out loud would break the happy spell he had been under since coming home.

After trying and failing a couple of times at getting him to talk, his family finally accepted it and left it alone. As the days went by, Chanyeol felt more and more like his old self.

He and Baekhyun texted sometimes, just short conversations about how they were doing and all that awkward small talk. Chanyeol found that he actually had ended up missing the other boy a lot, more than he was comfortable admitting, and there was no way he was telling Baekhyun that.

A couple of days into the holiday while Chanyeol was lying on his bed contemplating whether he should watch another episode of a new drama he’d found or if he should go to bed, Baekhyun called him. Chanyeol nearly dropped the phone on his face in surprise when Baekhyun’s name popped up and he nearly rejected the call out of sheer panic. But then he remembered how happy Baekhyun had looked when Chanyeol had said that he could call him.

With his heart hammering in his chest, he picked up. “Hi,” he said, voice nearly a whisper and he quickly cleared his throat before repeating a bit more confident. “Hello.”

  “Hi.” Baekhyun’s voice was soft, sending a swarm of butterflies loose in Chanyeol’s stomach.

  “I wasn’t sure you were going to pick up,” Baekhyun continued, voice teasing but Chanyeol would have sworn he sounded a little nervous. “You left me ringing for a while.”

  “Y-yeah sorry, couldn’t find my phone,” Chanyeol quickly lied, his voice raising a few octaves.

Baekhyun hummed and for a second Chanyeol thought he was going to call him out on his lie, but instead he animatedly started telling some story about how he nearly burnt down the kitchen while trying to help his mum cook. The more he talked, the more Chanyeol relaxed and the awkwardness vanished. They talked for hours until Baekhyun had yawned for the nth time and Chanyeol had ordered him to go to bed.

That night Chanyeol had his first dream of Baekhyun since releasing his song.

The two of them talked a lot more over the rest of the holiday after the phone call; texting nearly every minute and having at least one phone call a day. It was weird, how comfortable Chanyeol suddenly felt, but it was just so much easier to handle Baekhyun when he wasn’t right there in front of Chanyeol, taking his breath away.

Whenever Chanyeol’s phone vibrated and he would hurry to answer the text or excuse himself to take a call, his family would watch him with secretive smiles. They saw how his face lit up whenever the phone screen did and they sent each other knowing looks. Chanyeol never saw it though, too focused on answering Baekhyun.  

✦

The first day back in the apartment after New Year’s, Chanyeol was alone. Minseok and Jongdae had taken a couple of days together in some cabin Minseok’s family owned, so Chanyeol was on his own for a couple of more days. There was still some time until classes started, so there really wasn’t much to do.

It felt weird being alone after having been around his family for so long, but it was also nice to get a breather from everything. There was no one to judge him for turning into a couch potato, no Minseok breathing down his back for skipping the gym. It was refreshing.

He had just put on a movie, lying on the couch after another exciting dinner of instant ramen, when his phone pinged. For a second he wanted to ignore it, to just have a night to himself binge watching whatever was on Netflix, but knowing it was probably Baekhyun had him reaching for his phone before the thought had even passed.

 _You home?_ Was all it said.

Chanyeol quickly replied and as always he ended up paying more attention to his phone than the movie. They talked for hours until Chanyeol almost couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. He texted Baekhyun goodnight and started getting ready for bed.

Just as he was about to fall asleep though, there was a knock on the door. Chanyeol opened his eyes, frowning. He decided it was too late and that he was too tired to deal with whoever it was knocking on his door in the middle of the night, so he ignored it and closed his eyes again.

Another knock was followed by the ping of his phone. Chanyeol sighed and picked up his phone, eyes squinted against the harsh light of the screen. It was a text from Baekhyun saying ‘ _Open up. It’s freezing._ ’

Chanyeol was immediately wide awake and he shot upright. He stumbled to the door and opened it. It was indeed Baekhyun standing on the other side. Chanyeol blinked, completely dumbfounded and quite convinced that he was actually dreaming. Baekhyun was standing there in his pyjamas in the middle of fucking winter, teeth chattering and a shy smile on his face. It had to be a dream.

  “Hi,” he said, breath coming out in a little white puff.

  “Hi?” was all Chanyeol could say, still sure it was a dream. There was no way.

  “I uhm… I couldn’t sleep – can’t sleep. So I thought that maybe…” he trailed off, gesturing weakly towards Chanyeol’s apartment.

Chanyeol couldn’t do anything but let him in. He looked so small and nervous, hair a fluffy mess and eyes droopy, and Chanyeol just couldn’t turn him away.

Baekhyun lit up like a Christmas tree and, after ridding himself of his boots and too-thin jacket, walked right into Chanyeol’s bedroom like he belonged there. Chanyeol trailed after, pausing by the door to see what Baekhyun was going to do. The smaller boy hesitated by the bed for a second before crawling under the covers and making himself comfortable, peeking out from under the duvet with a grin.

It felt like Chanyeol’s heart was going to burst and he wasn’t sure if he was still breathing. Baekhyun was in his bed. He felt like he was boiling but his body was covered in goose bumps. His limbs felt like jelly as he slowly got into bed as well.

Like the last time, Baekhyun contently cuddled up to him, ignoring how it must have felt like hugging a rock. This time though, Chanyeol relaxed a lot faster, taking deep breaths to help himself calm down. They had done this before, no need to freak out.

With a content sigh, Baekhyun squeezed Chanyeol and mumbled tiredly, “Sing for me, please? Our song?”

Only hesitating for half a second, Chanyeol started singing softly. Baekhyun fell asleep before the second verse.

✦

It became a thing after that, Baekhyun showing up at Chanyeol’s door every couple of nights whenever he couldn’t sleep. Once or twice a week then turned into almost every other day.

The first couple of times Jongdae and Minseok looked as confused as Chanyeol felt and had tried to ask him about it. But Chanyeol couldn’t answer any of their questions, he had no idea what was going on either but it was hard to resist Baekhyun’s hopeful smile when he stood in the door wanting to be let in.

Eventually, his roommates stopped even looking op when Baekhyun let himself in and made himself at home. It just became normal, a part of their daily routine.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun still saw each other everywhere. It was still a little awkward, but as time passed Chanyeol stopped feeling anxious every time and eventually started being able to give genuine smiles back when Baekhyun greeted him.

Other than that and their shared nights, Chanyeol only ever saw Baekhyun at their usual group hangouts. They were never alone other than when Baekhyun slept over. Chanyeol wasn’t sure what they would even do if they were alone, what they would talk about.

Chanyeol had started hanging out with the others again. Played games with Sehun, went to lunch with Kyungsoo and went back to the gym with Minseok more often. He had also gone back to work like he had promised and was back as Junmyeon’s co-host.

Just as Chanyeol was getting back into the rhythm of his old life, Baekhyun started joining him again when he went out with the others. He even went with them to the gym though he usually just watched them work out while he played on his phone. Why he even went Chanyeol had no idea.

It was weird with Baekhyun. Chanyeol didn’t know quite where they stood. They were sort of friends again but there was still this feeling of walking on eggshells when around each other, like they were ignoring the huge elephant in the room. The feelings he had… friends didn’t feel like that about each other. It worked for them though and they never talked about it.

Chanyeol slept better than he ever had before. His mood was improving, his self-esteem was growing and his grades were as good as ever. He was happier. But something had sort of started bothering him. Just a little nagging in the back of his mind.

Baekhyun was acting like it had never happened. Whenever Chanyeol would feel uncomfortable suddenly running into Baekhyun somewhere he wasn’t expecting to, Baekhyun would laugh it off. It was again like he wasn’t affected at all when Chanyeol still sometimes felt like he was drowning. Baekhyun was sprinting ahead while Chanyeol could barely catch his breath.

He had also gotten really clingy, always hanging off of Chanyeol whenever they were together. And it wasn’t like Chanyeol didn’t like it, he did and he would blush like mad, heart fighting to jump out of his chest at every touch. But… was it even real? Or did Baekhyun only do it because he felt like he had to? Chanyeol did have a crush on the other boy before it all happened and he could still feel it lingering just below the surface. But what if Baekhyun was only clinging to him because he didn’t want to hurt? Did he even like Chanyeol?

Doubts started filling Chanyeol slowly and he pulled back a little from Baekhyun, getting overwhelmed by it all. He tried not to hang out with Baekhyun as much which was quite difficult seeing as they shared both friends and a bed practically every other night.

The more Baekhyun clung to him, the more Chanyeol started to doubt and it was eating him up.

Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore and Chanyeol sat down with Jongdae, asking him what he should do. He told him everything. Jongdae listened to him with no judgment and he admitted that he had actually been a little worried as well. He had been worried that they were moving too fast and that Chanyeol would end up getting hurt again. He advised Chanyeol to try and take it slow, maybe even take a break. He was sure that Baekhyun would understand.

So that night, when Baekhyun came over as usual, Jongdae sent Chanyeol a stern look as they passed him on their way to Chanyeol’s bedroom. Baekhyun got into his bed like it was second nature, but Chanyeol hesitated. Smiling up at him, Baekhyun patted the space beside him to try and get Chanyeol to join him but when the taller didn’t budge, he tilted his head. “What is it?” he asked.

Chanyeol had tried to rehearse what to say. He wanted to explain his worries so that Baekhyun would understand but his mind blanked completely at Baekhyun’s open, trusting look.

  “W-what are we doing?” was what he got out, rushed and sounding like he was running out of breath.

Baekhyun’s eyebrows shot into his hairline. “What?”

  “What are we doing?” Chanyeol asked again, more urgent.

  “Sleeping?” Baekhyun said, looking confused. “Chanyeol, what is going on?”

  “No, that’s not – why are you here Baekhyun? Really?” This wasn’t going like Chanyeol wanted it to but he couldn’t stop it, all of the doubts just bubbling over and he needed to get it out.

  “Because I can’t sleep, I already told you.” Baekhyun was frowning now.

  “Is that the only reason? Why are you _here?”_ Blood was roaring in Chanyeol’s ears and he could feel himself getting frustrated. Baekhyun wasn’t getting what he was trying to say.

  “Chanyeol…” Baekhyun got out of the bed, stopping in front of Chanyeol. “Do… do you not want me here?”

  “No – that’s not – I do, but…” Chanyeol wanted to yell. Things were getting out of hand, his words not coming out like he wanted them to. “I don’t understand! What are we? We sleep in the same bed almost every night we… we’re acting like it all never happened, but I don’t want that. I – I want to be with you, I like being with you, but… I haven’t had time to breathe. I was just starting to let go of it all and then you showed up in the parking lot and – I’m so lost Baekhyun. I’m drowning.”

  “What are you saying, Chanyeol, I don’t understand,” Baekhyun’s voice was rising as well, desperate to understand what Chanyeol was trying to say.

Chanyeol sighed, shoulders sagging as the fight drained from him. “I don’t want you to be with me like this because you feel like you _have_ to, because this… situation keeps forcing us together. I just – I don’t want… I don’t want to be hurt again.”

Baekhyun’s mouth was hanging open, his eyes wide in disbelief. “ _What?_ Chanyeol, no! That –”

Chanyeol held up his hand, cutting him off. “Not that long ago, you hated me,” he said, ignoring how Baekhyun was about to start talking again. “But now you’re here in my bed like it all never happened. But it did! And I still don’t understand anything. I feel like I’m the only one who’s affected by this. What are you doing here Baekhyun? What am I to you?”

At first, it looked like Baekhyun was going to protest but no words came as he took in what Chanyeol had said. Eventually, he closed his mouth and his body sort of drooped, eyes looking away from Chanyeol’s and onto his own feet instead. Chanyeol’s heart cracked.

  “Oh,” Chanyeol mumbled, voice breaking. “I see.”

Baekhyun just looked guilty, reaching out for Chanyeol but he stepped back, fighting to keep in the tears that threatened to fall. “Don’t.” He sounded weak. He felt weak. “Could you leave? Please?”

Shaking his head, Baekhyun tried to reach for Chanyeol’s hand again. “No Chanyeol, let me explain.”

  “Please,” Chanyeol said again, desperate. He couldn’t breathe. He wouldn’t let Baekhyun see him break.

Baekhyun looked upset but sighed shakily in defeat. With a final pleading look at Chanyeol, he once again left Chanyeol to pick up the pieces of his broken heart.

He had expected this, should have seen it coming, but he had hoped that Baekhyun might have felt the same for him. If Baekhyun had _chosen_ him, Chanyeol would have been willing to put it all behind them. But of course, someone like Baekhyun would never like someone like Chanyeol.

Chanyeol dragged himself to the living room, feeling like he was falling apart. Jongdae looked up, probably about to ask why Baekhyun had left so suddenly, but as soon as he saw Chanyeol, he just opened his arms. The taller boy collapsed against him and let the tears fall.

Minseok and Jongdae cuddled up to him on the couch and let him cry for as long as he needed to. Eventually, he cried himself to sleep.

✦

Chanyeol did not stop going out. He still went to his classes, still went to work, he still hung out with his friends. Whenever he saw Baekhyun out and about, which of course he still did, he would smile, maybe wave, but nothing more. Baekhyun respected his need for space and never tried to approach him.

He did not want to go back to what he had been last year, so Chanyeol tried to act as normal as possible. He missed Baekhyun’s presence, having gotten so used to having the smaller boy around. He felt empty without him but Chanyeol powered on. He was not going to let it consume him this time.

The first time they all met again after their falling out, their friends kept sending him and Baekhyun worried looks when they realized that the two suddenly weren’t talking again. Junmyeon even ended up pulling Chanyeol aside on his way to the bathroom, asking if something was wrong, but Chanyeol reassured him that everything was fine.

The rest of the night was a little awkward, but both Chanyeol and Baekhyun acted like nothing was wrong so the rest of their friends eventually loosened up a little as well. Chanyeol felt bad for always ruining it for everyone with his drama.

Baekhyun kept shooting glances at Chanyeol, sad eyes begging for a chance to explain, and each and every time it felt like someone was squeezing Chanyeol’s heart.

It was harder to fall asleep at night without Baekhyun in his arms.  

✦

Baekhyun started trying to talk to him again. Tried to stop Chanyeol and get him to listen whenever they met, texted him about once a day just asking how his day had been, if they could talk and so on. And though Chanyeol actually did want to talk to him, he kept dodging.

He was afraid of what he was going to hear, didn’t want to hear it. So when they met, Chanyeol always made up some excuse of why he couldn’t stay and talk. It broke his heart to see the rejection on Baekhyun’s face every time but his fear was too loud and it wouldn’t let him speak to the smaller boy. He ended actively trying to avoid Baekhyun again, feeling like such a douche bag, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Minseok eventually asked him to at least listen to Baekhyun, just one more time as Baekhyun had been going to him for advice. Jongdae on the other hand, was on Chanyeol’s side and understood why he needed time. The two of them actually ended up fighting about it until Chanyeol stopped it, not wanting them to fight because of him. He felt horrible for fucking up their friend dynamics again. This wasn’t affecting just himself.

One day before work, Minseok caught him on the way out. “Chanyeol, I know we’ve already talked about this, but I really think you should talk to him again. Just think about it. I don’t like seeing two of my best friends miserable.”

Chanyeol nodded and as he walked to work, he wondered if he should just maybe get it over with. At the very least, they both needed some sort of closure to all of this. Whatever Baekhyun was going to say, Chanyeol would just have to deal with it. He got up once before, he could do it again if he needed to. He would never move on like this.

He was a little distracted at work and Junmyeon kept sending him worried glances as he missed his cues, and he tried to cover for Chanyeol’s obvious absent mind with some jokes.

They eventually got to one of the last parts of their show where people would call in to ask for songs and maybe have a short conversation, and it was usually one of Chanyeol’s favourite parts to do. There was a young man who called in to ask for a song for his girlfriend, someone who wanted to hear their favourite song and so on with the usual.

  “Hi, thanks for calling in, what do you wanna hear?” Chanyeol asked the next caller, his voice monotone.

  “Y-yeah, hi?” a familiar voice spoke and Chanyeol nearly fell out of his chair, the next words getting caught in his throat. Baekhyun.

  “I recently got into a fight with someone really important to me and I don’t know how to fix it, but I thought that playing this song could maybe… be a start?”

Chanyeol couldn’t say anything, mind completely blank, so Junmyeon quickly jumped in, not even having to ask what song it was. “I have a feeling it’s a great start. I’ll play it for you. Good luck.”

As he ended the call and put on _the_ song, Chanyeol sat frozen in his chair. It was like he was in a bubble and he couldn’t get his body to move.

A text pinged on Junmyeon’s phone and after he had checked it, he nudged Chanyeol. “Go,” he said. “I’ll wrap it up. He really wants to see you.”

The bubble burst and Chanyeol did not need to be told twice. He shot out of his chair, nearly falling on his face then ran out of the building. Baekhyun was in the parking lot again, waiting for him. Chanyeol stopped in front of him, a little out of breath.

  “Hi,” Baekhyun breathed, a shy smile on his face.

  “Hi,” Chanyeol echoed. It reminded him of the last time the two of them had been in that parking lot.

As if reading his mind, Baekhyun chuckled. “Here we are again.”

  “Yeah,” Chanyeol grinned, something that felt a lot like hope bubbling up inside of him. “What are the chances?”

That made Baekhyun laugh, a real, full-body laugh and god Chanyeol had missed that sound. When he stopped laughing, Baekhyun sighed and shook his head, his smile slowly dimming.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “Again. And I’m sorry that I have to apologize so often. I keep messing up.” He sighed again and ran a shaky hand through his hair. Chanyeol stayed quiet, knowing that Baekhyun needed to think about what to say.

  “I can see why you would think that… why you thought like you did, about my feelings. I wasn’t being fair to you as usual. You were right to get mad at me and you made me think. I – I was confused and you made me realize that I didn’t actually know how I felt. But I do now. Before all of this shit happened, I had a massive crush on you, you know that, right? I wasn’t exactly subtle about it. You are just… you are funny and charming as fuck and you gave me butterflies like it was some Hollywood romcom.  And I don’t want to sound too cocky but I’m pretty sure you liked me too. And I’m not saying we should just try to forget it all ever happened, and I know it will take a while for you to fully trust me again but… there is something there? Between us. Isn’t there? We clearly need each other and we are better together but… I _want_ to be with you. You are the one I want to see after I’ve had a terrible day because I know you’ll make it better. You are the one I want to share my good days with. I can be myself with you. I feel at home with you. You are my _choice_. So while we work things out, can’t we do it together? Unless… I totally ruined any chance I had?”

Chanyeol was as usual left speechless. He didn’t know what to do, what to feel. For some reason, he felt like laughing, so that’s what he did. He was surprised. Relieved. It wasn’t what he had expected at all. Baekhyun of course looked worried at his reaction but Chanyeol just couldn’t stop laughing.

  “I’m sorry,” he breathed in between the laughter, eyes tearing up. From laughter or from relief he didn’t know. “I just… I didn’t know what I was expecting. You keep turning my world upside down.”

  “I’m sorry?” Baekhyun said, shuffling uneasily on the spot.

As Chanyeol took some time to breathe, Baekhyun kept fidgeting, nervously nibbling on his lower lip as he waited for Chanyeol’s answer.

Chanyeol was afraid he would lose himself again, but he was also quite hopeful that this time it would be different. They were completely on the same page now, everything was out in the open. He had been sure that the answer had been to deal with it alone but… as he looked at Baekhyun he suddenly wasn’t so sure anymore.

And he did like Baekhyun a lot, so what was stopping him now?

  “I… I want us to do this together,” Chanyeol eventually said, suddenly feeling a little shy. “I would really like that. But… please, can we take it slow?”

Baekhyun lit up, his smile blinding as he nodded. He took Chanyeol’s hand, squeezing it softly. “To repeat what I asked the last time we were here; come back with me, please?”

And like the last time, Chanyeol let Baekhyun lead him back to the apartment.        

✦

Their relationship, if you could call it that, progressed slowly as Chanyeol had asked. The two of them started hanging out again almost like nothing happened, at first like before with a least one of their friends present, but eventually, they started just going out alone.

Now though, their times together were filled with shy smiles and blushing cheeks as hands brushed and glances were exchanged. It was like a swarm of butterflies had made a permanent home out of Chanyeol’s stomach, and he had no idea a crush could actually make you feel like you were floating. He was not just floating, he was soaring.

Baekhyun started sleeping over at Chanyeol’s place again but only when really necessary as per Chanyeol’s request. He didn’t want to rush it, was afraid to crash and fall again from how high he felt. Baekhyun respected his wishes, happy to take anything Chanyeol was willing to give. As the days passed, Chanyeol’s trust in Baekhyun grew along with his feelings.

It felt strange when Baekhyun would randomly take his hand and link their fingers together like it was second nature, but it also felt right. He felt complete.

The tugging in his chest had almost disappeared and he slept better than he could ever remember. Some days he still felt a little insecure, doubts would start to creep in, but then Baekhyun would usually be there to smile beamingly up at him and it would all disappear.

Things were good. Chanyeol was happy.

✦

Chanyeol looked down at Baekhyun who was currently cuddled up to him on the couch as they watched Baekhyun’s favourite drama. It had never really caught Chanyeol’s attention but Baekhyun loved it so Chanyeol didn’t mind.

Baekhyun was almost lying on top of him, clinging on like a sloth. He was getting impatient, Chanyeol could tell. He often caught Baekhyun looking at his lips and he was getting a lot clingier. Sometimes it even felt like he was annoyed at Chanyeol when the taller would hesitate if they got too close. It was just something in his eyes, a fleeting glint, but he would quickly hide it with a smile.

Baekhyun wanted more and Chanyeol felt bad. It had been a long time now and they hadn’t even properly kissed yet. They had shared a few quick pecks here and there but nothing wild as Chanyeol always felt like he was going to faint when their lips touched. But it wasn’t like Chanyeol didn’t want to, he really wanted to, but once they had started taking it slow, Chanyeol found it hard to speed up.

What was holding him back he didn’t know, but every time he got too close to Baekhyun, warning bells would go off and he would panic and back off. He knew he wasn’t being fair to Baekhyun but… he just couldn’t.

  “Stop looking at me,” Baekhyun suddenly mumbled. “You’re missing it all.”

  “Sorry,” Chanyeol said, quickly looking back at the screen. He hadn’t even realized he had been staring.

Baekhyun’s attention was on him now though, eyes narrowed slightly. “What’s on your mind?” he asked. “You look so serious.”

  “Nothing,” Chanyeol said a little too quickly, then smiled apologetically when Baekhyun frowned. “Just… you.”

The smaller boy tilted his head with a confused pout. Then something like determination came over his face and he sat up before suddenly crawling into Chanyeol’s lap, making himself comfortable. He cupped Chanyeol’s face in his hands and leaned in so close their noses touched.

  “Baekhyun, w-what,” Chanyeol stuttered, face burning. He felt like running away but his hands betrayed him and gripped onto Baekhyun’s hips.

Baekhyun sighed, almost angrily. And then he kissed him; just a soft press of their lips before leaning back. Then another kiss, this one longer, before pulling back again. He kept doing that, kissing Chanyeol just long enough for him to want more before pulling back.

  “Baek,” Chanyeol weakly protested in between the kisses. “W-wait.”

  “No!” Baekhyun was breathless, the word coming out as a hiss. “No more waiting Chanyeol! _Please!_ What are you so afraid of? I _like_ you. A whole fucking lot. And not because you’re everywhere I go, not because I have to. I like you because you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. You’re sweet and funny and you actually put up with my shit. I don’t know why all of this happened and it’s scary and weird, but the universe clearly wants us to be together. Can we not just stop being afraid and just trust each other? Be together?”

His eyes were shining and Chanyeol felt choked up as well. What exactly _was_ holding him back?

Baekhyun was staring at him beggingly, eyes wide and vulnerable. This was the second time he had completely bared his feelings for Chanyeol, had made his intentions clear. God, Chanyeol liked him so much.

This time it was Chanyeol who leaned in, pressing their lips together. This time it was Chanyeol who pulled Baekhyun closer, kept him from moving too far away. This time, they didn’t stop. Their clothes were left as a trail towards Chanyeol’s room.  

✦

Chanyeol woke up feeling hot, a heavy weight on his chest. He looked down seeing Baekhyun still fast asleep on his chest, mouth open and actually looking quite unattractive but very cute.

He looked at the clock. It was eight in the morning but he didn’t have classes or work that day, had nowhere to be, and he was pretty sure it was the same for Baekhyun.

Baekhyun grunted in his sleep and Chanyeol smiled. He didn’t want to move but he really had to pee. Slowly, mind still feeling heavy from sleep, he got out of bed, careful not to wake Baekhyun. As he moved to stand up, he felt a slight tug on his little finger and he looked down. He blinked a couple of times to try and get the sleep out of his eyes but once his vision cleared there was nothing. He frowned; he could have sworn there had been a red string tied to his finger.

Shaking his head, huffing out a chuckle, he got up and headed to the bathroom. It must have been his eyes playing tricks on him.

After taking care of his business, he stared longingly at the shower. He could really use another one. They had only taken a short one during the night after their… activities, before falling into bed, too tired to do anything but throw the dirty sheets on the floor. But Baekhyun was still in bed. It was an easy choice.

He quickly washed his hands before nearly running back to bed, cuddling up next to Baekhyun again. Now that he had finally, truly started letting go of his fears, being with Baekhyun was as easy as breathing.

Maybe there would be new doubts in the future. New fears. But Chanyeol didn’t care anymore. He’d learned the hard way that things were always easier when he was Baekhyun. So he wouldn’t fight it anymore.

The universe could come at them with everything it had.  

✦

 


End file.
